Coffee Table Declarations
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
I spent some time watching the Twilight Zone marathon over New Year's. I don't know which was more creepy, the episode with the talking doll or the point at which my roommate said, "what's the Twilight Zone?" I love those old episodes. They truly are the best part of New Year's.
And speaking of the Twilight Zone, there was a large family party at my uncle's house on New Year's Day. You may remember this group from my cousin's wedding. The reason I make the Twilight Zone comparison is because any other group of young people between the ages of 22 - 27 would not ALL be married and a majority of that group would not be married AND have children. However, in the surreal environment of my extremely religious extended family, I am the odd one out because I am 29, unmarried, and childless. Twice I was asked by older relatives about my marriage prospects and when I explained that I was personally not ready to make that kind of commitment, nor did I want to settle due to societal expectations and pressures, I caught various young, girl cousins looking over and listening in. All the more evidence for me that they must speculate amongst themselves why I am different.
Every time I am with these people I end up feeling bad. I feel bad that my father pulled us out of the fold when I was a child resulting in my discomfort at being always on the outskirts. I feel bad that we are not closer, especially my girl cousins who are near my age, but we have nothing in common. I feel bad that they (probably) look down on me because I am single and not religious. But mostly I feel bad that I am affected in such a way by these differences and perceptions that I end up actively feeling bad about myself (rather than passively or occasionally).
I know it seems silly - why should I feel bad about myself? I normally would not let other people's judgements bother me. But these are my young cousins who once looked up to me and now they've all moved on ahead. I feel like I have fallen from some height in their eyes. And while I know that I am honestly not ready to get married or have children and content myself with this knowledge on a regular basis, being around all these happy little young families makes me wonder if I will ever have these things. During these encounters the constant internal dialogue says just a little louder, "I'm getting old, I'm getting nowhere."
At least I can take comfort in the fact that their little Stepford lives would make a very creepy episode of the Twilight Zone.
And speaking of the Twilight Zone, there was a large family party at my uncle's house on New Year's Day. You may remember this group from my cousin's wedding. The reason I make the Twilight Zone comparison is because any other group of young people between the ages of 22 - 27 would not ALL be married and a majority of that group would not be married AND have children. However, in the surreal environment of my extremely religious extended family, I am the odd one out because I am 29, unmarried, and childless. Twice I was asked by older relatives about my marriage prospects and when I explained that I was personally not ready to make that kind of commitment, nor did I want to settle due to societal expectations and pressures, I caught various young, girl cousins looking over and listening in. All the more evidence for me that they must speculate amongst themselves why I am different.
Every time I am with these people I end up feeling bad. I feel bad that my father pulled us out of the fold when I was a child resulting in my discomfort at being always on the outskirts. I feel bad that we are not closer, especially my girl cousins who are near my age, but we have nothing in common. I feel bad that they (probably) look down on me because I am single and not religious. But mostly I feel bad that I am affected in such a way by these differences and perceptions that I end up actively feeling bad about myself (rather than passively or occasionally).
I know it seems silly - why should I feel bad about myself? I normally would not let other people's judgements bother me. But these are my young cousins who once looked up to me and now they've all moved on ahead. I feel like I have fallen from some height in their eyes. And while I know that I am honestly not ready to get married or have children and content myself with this knowledge on a regular basis, being around all these happy little young families makes me wonder if I will ever have these things. During these encounters the constant internal dialogue says just a little louder, "I'm getting old, I'm getting nowhere."
At least I can take comfort in the fact that their little Stepford lives would make a very creepy episode of the Twilight Zone.
