Coffee Table Declarations
Monday, July 12, 2004
Last weekend I sacrificed a hot summer day to go to my cousin's wedding. To give a little background into my extended dysfunctional family, my dad has four brothers and one sister. There are points of contention between himself and them, which are far too complex to delve into at this time. The bottom line is, while the majority of the six siblings and their spouses and their total of sixteen children spend a good deal of time together, a minority of the six siblings, spouses, and sixteen children (namely my parents, myself, and my brother and sister) do not and have not since I was about 8 years old.
Additionally, two of the six families are very strongly religious and that means that five cousins younger than myself are married. One cousin older than myself is married but she tied the knot at the ripe old age of 22.
So I spent the morning sitting in a large, cult-like church, listening to the decidedly sexist marriage ceremony of my 23 year old cousin. And while we're on the subject of sex, I'd like to mention that one cousin (a minister's daughter) got married at the age of 20 due to the fact that she was pregnant. She is now 24 with two children.
At the reception, my mother and father and myself (brother and sister did not attend) were seated at a table with several members of my aunt and uncle's bible study group. Additionally, the tables were given names of different books from the bible. We were seated at Mark but I looked over at the next table and whispered to my mom, "at least we're not sitting over there, at Revelation."
Sometime between the salad and the chicken, I noticed as I looked around the room that the other tables of family members were seated with other family members. The three of us were the only ones who weren't. When I pointed that out to my mom she said, "they always shove us into the corner someplace." As this realization dawned on me, I was surprised to feel my eyes start to well up with tears. It's strange how I can go months without thinking of these people but my emotions seem to be so close to the surface when given the slightest provocation. I sat staring at the centerpiece and trying not to cry. What makes me so angry is that when I was 16 years old I decided that whatever beef there is between them and my parents, it has nothing to do with me. I started going to family parties by myself as soon as I had my driver's license. I went out of my way to reach out to these people and try to formulate some kind of relationship with them. Why were they treating me so poorly? Why were they treating my parents poorly when my parents were kind enough to go?
In the midst of my angry inner monologue, an uncle came to talk to me and he said, "so, when are you getting married?" I replied (with a tone of incredulity like I couldn't believe he would ask such a thing) that I didn't think I was old enough to be married yet (nevermind those six other cousins who are married and some with children and not a one of them over the age of 30.) Two ladies at our table at separate times asked me, "where do you go to school, Honey?" I had to explain that I was 28 and had been out of school for a good long time. One of the ladies must've taken pity on me since I am, apparently, an unmarried spinster. She said she would pray for me to find companionship and marriage. "Unless of course..." she added, "it's not God's will." What? What kind of sick logic is that? Why would God want me to be alone for the rest of my life??
It was a long and miserable day and I was more than relieved to get back to my regularly scheduled life where I can make my own decisions and search for meaning in my own life without handing over control to some unknown power and without having to chalk up every bad thing as serving some divine plan and where I have value and self worth for who I am rather than being defined by a man and a ring on my finger.
Additionally, two of the six families are very strongly religious and that means that five cousins younger than myself are married. One cousin older than myself is married but she tied the knot at the ripe old age of 22.
So I spent the morning sitting in a large, cult-like church, listening to the decidedly sexist marriage ceremony of my 23 year old cousin. And while we're on the subject of sex, I'd like to mention that one cousin (a minister's daughter) got married at the age of 20 due to the fact that she was pregnant. She is now 24 with two children.
At the reception, my mother and father and myself (brother and sister did not attend) were seated at a table with several members of my aunt and uncle's bible study group. Additionally, the tables were given names of different books from the bible. We were seated at Mark but I looked over at the next table and whispered to my mom, "at least we're not sitting over there, at Revelation."
Sometime between the salad and the chicken, I noticed as I looked around the room that the other tables of family members were seated with other family members. The three of us were the only ones who weren't. When I pointed that out to my mom she said, "they always shove us into the corner someplace." As this realization dawned on me, I was surprised to feel my eyes start to well up with tears. It's strange how I can go months without thinking of these people but my emotions seem to be so close to the surface when given the slightest provocation. I sat staring at the centerpiece and trying not to cry. What makes me so angry is that when I was 16 years old I decided that whatever beef there is between them and my parents, it has nothing to do with me. I started going to family parties by myself as soon as I had my driver's license. I went out of my way to reach out to these people and try to formulate some kind of relationship with them. Why were they treating me so poorly? Why were they treating my parents poorly when my parents were kind enough to go?
In the midst of my angry inner monologue, an uncle came to talk to me and he said, "so, when are you getting married?" I replied (with a tone of incredulity like I couldn't believe he would ask such a thing) that I didn't think I was old enough to be married yet (nevermind those six other cousins who are married and some with children and not a one of them over the age of 30.) Two ladies at our table at separate times asked me, "where do you go to school, Honey?" I had to explain that I was 28 and had been out of school for a good long time. One of the ladies must've taken pity on me since I am, apparently, an unmarried spinster. She said she would pray for me to find companionship and marriage. "Unless of course..." she added, "it's not God's will." What? What kind of sick logic is that? Why would God want me to be alone for the rest of my life??
It was a long and miserable day and I was more than relieved to get back to my regularly scheduled life where I can make my own decisions and search for meaning in my own life without handing over control to some unknown power and without having to chalk up every bad thing as serving some divine plan and where I have value and self worth for who I am rather than being defined by a man and a ring on my finger.
