I am so miserable today. I need to stop drinking heavily and staying out until 2am on work nights. I'm too old for this but it's funny what dating someone will do to you. Suddenly I'm making accomodations in my nice little boring life of being in bed with the remote by 10pm for things like bands at bars and martinis. Funny thing is, I can't believe I was ever o.k. with being single - life is so much better this way. And that terrifies me. I don't know, usually I just go to yoga on Thursday nights.
So after 4 hours of sleep I dragged myself into work and as the morning progressed it became clear that I was not going to be able to make it through the day. I told them I had a bad migraine and felt nauseous, all of which was true. My boss was suspicious though saying it was not like me and what did I think was wrong? Then she said, maybe I need to curtail my weekly activities which made me feel like a total problem employee who comes in massively hungover on a daily basis and is unable to perform on the job. Which is so not true - I haven't called in sick since December of 2003 so you know, should I feel guilty about being too hungover to stay at work? Yes. But do I deserve to actually use a couple of my alotted sick days once in a while? Yes!
Anyway I didn't make it all the way home before having to pull over down a side street, crouch down behind my car and get sick, swearing all the time that I have to stop doing this to myself. Why did I drink so much? Well, it's not that I did, I really only had two drinks. But they were strong, sugary drinks and I was drinking with the wrong attitude to begin with. I was by far drunker than he's ever seen me and though I can't recall anything too awful, I vaguely remember a conversation with a girl my age about how there is pressure on us to start having babies and how I want to wait 5 - 7 years for that at least. Who knows what he thought of all that? At least I didn't say, "I want to snag me a husband and start popping out babies asap!"
So after tossing my breakfast by the side of the road, I got home and proceeded to sleep until, oh, about an hour ago. Which brings me to right now - stomach, not too bad, head, still unpleasant, but I took asprin finally and I need to remain upright so that it doesn't start making me nauseous again, hence writing this post because there's nothing else I feel like doing right now except confessing my sins to the internet. Thanks for listening internet.
There should be more words for feelings in the English language. What do you call it when you haven't known someone long enough to justifiably love them, but like is simply too inadequate? I've been seeing a new guy and I feel more than like for him, maybe not quite love. Well it couldn't be love, right? So what is it when it feels all crazy and exciting and every time before you go out you feel slightly nauseous because you're so nervous about being perfect all the time or at least perfectly adorable, and when you're with him, just sitting next to him you feel absolutely content and something you vaguely recognize as purely happy although that's a feeling you don't know too well... what is it when you can picture a future with someone but you're afraid to think past the weekend because you have no idea, even though he is sweet and affectionate and nothing if not reliable and drama-free, if he'll ever even call again because you don't know how to trust men and you don't have faith enough in yourself and your ability to inspire the same strange like/love feeling in someone else... what is it when you can't eat and you can't sleep and you feel restless all day because you can't sit still and all you want to do is walk the city streets for hours or just do something to keep moving... what do you call it when you feel so lucky to have finally found something that seems wonderful and you're so terrified of it disappearing and you know that everything is changed and you can't go back to not knowing but you wouldn't anyway... oh yeah and also, though you know it can't logically be true, while you're feeling all of this, you suspect that you are the only person in the history of the world who has ever felt this way before and you could swear that it's certainly different than anything you've ever personally felt before, although you're old enough to know better. Is there a word for the emotion that expresses all of that? There should be.