I know why I've had such a hard time writing lately. My mind is completely preoccupied with a situation that I haven't wanted to write about and therefore any other topic seems fluffy and unnecessary. I may as well just get this out right?
For the entire time I have been writing here, I had a boyfriend who I never wrote about. I don't know why I didn't... I guess because for one thing, people I know read this and I didn't need to give them an in depth look at my relationship. For another thing, deep down inside I have known for a long time that he is not the right one for me and I knew the end was inevitable. So why bother saying anything?
A couple of months ago, we broke up in a rather anticlimactic way. In fact, it coincided with my move so I was for the most part, doing just fine. I had so many new and different things going on. Plus, I felt a little bit relieved. Not because I didn't want to be with him, but because the impending reality had been whispering in my ear for a long time. Things about growing up and needing to figure it all out and not waste anymore time in my life.
The biggest problem with the separation is that he was my best friend. Although we were quite different in a number of key ways that would crop up down the line in the not-so-distant future and we both knew that, during the day to day we were amazingly matched. We laughed and talked and had so much fun together.
So I thought I was ready to be friends. I thought I could handle it. We got together a few weeks ago and things were great. Just like old times (in the friendship sense). Then over dinner, he told me he is seeing someone new. Someone dramatically younger than him and someone who he thinks could be "the one". I immediately lost my appetite.
This whole thing has been devastating for me. It has brought to the surface so many memories from the beginning when he felt that way about me. Ultimately knowing that we don't belong together has not been able to stop me from feeling so terrible. I can't stop myself from thinking things I shouldn't and I can't seem to get the whole mess out of my head.
I miss him in so many ways. And on top of it all, I know he genuinely wants to be friends with me. He has always felt the way I did about the friendship aspect of our relationship. I want to be friends too. But I can't even talk to him right now. I just can't. Not because I'm angry but because it just hurts so much. I'm still going over in my head what went wrong with us and at what point did he stop feeling like it was me who might be "the one". Never mind my own revelations - I know it's not rational.
I also know that on occasion, he reads this blog. I didn't want him to think that I was pining away for him, wanting to get back together. I'm not and I don't. I have a lot of mixed feelings. In some ways I feel angry - how could he have gotten over me so quickly? In some ways I feel nonsensical - I don't want him to be with someone else, even though I don't want him for myself. This is all a jumble of things that I don't want him to read about here because they are just words. I may feel a million different things from minute to minute and then they are gone. The real truth is I am just sad. I am mourning the loss of us and I am baffled that he is not. But I know that it will all be o.k. I know that I need to feel bad right now and that I will get over this.
And if he happens to be reading, well I guess it doesn't matter if he knows all of that.