Coffee Table Declarations
Monday, October 18, 2004
Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment. Nothing major - just your basic everyday physical, but no matter how many times I tell myself that, I end up worrying myself silly for days ahead of time anyway. It started when I made the appointment as a mild and distant dread. Not something immediate, just something I could put off thinking about for a little while although I knew it was an unpleasant event on the horizon. Then last week it started to grow into a nervousness that occupied more and more of my thoughts as the day got closer. Now I've worked myself into a ball of anxiety. My stomach is twisted in knots and I don't feel so well. I know why of course - I am no stranger to making myself sick from stress. But it still feels out of control.
I couldn't even say with certainy what it is I'm worried about. I do feel panicky in claustrophobic settings - like a small room with no windows and a shut door. Still, I can probably talk to the doctor about that in the beginning and if she is understanding about it, I will feel instantly better knowing that I'm not really stuck in the room.
I don't worry too much about the actual procedures. I can handle physical things better than mental. For example, my mom gets so upset over blood being taken that they have to let her lie down while they do it. I don't enjoy it, but I know I can handle it.
I have an extremely creative imagination when it comes to all of the possible things that could be wrong with me that might be discovered. My grandmother was having a routine physical when her doctor discovered the tumor that led to the cancer that killed her. I remind myself that she was 82 years old at that time and I am only 29. I have nothing specific worrying me just a general sense of unease about things that could be wrong.
And there you have it - noon tomorrow is looming in front of me like a monster in the dark with no way of getting past it except by getting through it. I cannot calm myself down, I can only ride the fear as it builds and builds, knowing that by this time tomorrow afternoon I will be cool as a cucumber. Life will be back to normal and I will wonder what the heck I was so worked up about. Surely I'm not the only person who does this to themselves over a simple visit to the doctor?
I couldn't even say with certainy what it is I'm worried about. I do feel panicky in claustrophobic settings - like a small room with no windows and a shut door. Still, I can probably talk to the doctor about that in the beginning and if she is understanding about it, I will feel instantly better knowing that I'm not really stuck in the room.
I don't worry too much about the actual procedures. I can handle physical things better than mental. For example, my mom gets so upset over blood being taken that they have to let her lie down while they do it. I don't enjoy it, but I know I can handle it.
I have an extremely creative imagination when it comes to all of the possible things that could be wrong with me that might be discovered. My grandmother was having a routine physical when her doctor discovered the tumor that led to the cancer that killed her. I remind myself that she was 82 years old at that time and I am only 29. I have nothing specific worrying me just a general sense of unease about things that could be wrong.
And there you have it - noon tomorrow is looming in front of me like a monster in the dark with no way of getting past it except by getting through it. I cannot calm myself down, I can only ride the fear as it builds and builds, knowing that by this time tomorrow afternoon I will be cool as a cucumber. Life will be back to normal and I will wonder what the heck I was so worked up about. Surely I'm not the only person who does this to themselves over a simple visit to the doctor?
