Coffee Table Declarations
Monday, August 02, 2004
I am on vacation this week so I apologize in advance if I don't update every day.
Yesterday there were not one, but two big black flies in my apartment. I am traumatized by flies because at my old apartment where I was afflicted by plagues such as mice and ants, I was also afflicted with the plague of flies. One got in somehow, flew around for a while and was mainly a nuisance. He must have been pregnant though because the next thing you know, there was a million. It was horrible. Imagine sitting in a room and having dozens of big black flies swarming around. And they were in every room. My wonderful and responsive landlord told me to spray some Raid. I couldn't even sleep there because the flies had taken over and he suggested I spray some Raid. My dad came over one night with a fly swatter and seemed to have a little too much fun minimizing their population dramatically. Then he called the landlord and insisted something be done. My landlord deployed a bug bomb which worked but the damage was done to my psyche.
Now when I see a black fly I have disturbing flashbacks. So I noticed two flies on my window screen in my bedroom, on the inside. I slowly reached down and opened my screen about an inch at the bottom and then quickly shut the window. After a while I didn't see the flies so I assumed they had gotten out. I opened the window and shut the screen and went on with my life. A little while later however, there was a fly on the screen again. This time I just shut the window and turned on the air conditioning. But where did fly #2 go? He was flying around my bedroom. I yelled at him and chased him out and shut the bedroom door. Then I was trapped in my room unable to open the window. I felt like crying. Why did it have to be my sworn enemy?
Not willing to let them win, I was determined to conquer them. First I opened my window slightly, opened the screen an inch and then shut the window. Then I started banging on the glass to scare the fly downwards. "Fly down, you're free!" I urged him. Happily enough, it worked and then I was able to open my window again. When I was brave enough to leave my room (door shut behind me) I ventured out to look for the fly. My plan was to chase him into the now empty bedroom and shut the door. Of course, he was nowhere to be found.
Suddenly as I was emptying the dishwasher I heard a sinister buzzing sound behing me. I turned slowly and saw the fly buzzing at the window behind me. I snuck off and grabbed a magazine and then approached slowly while issuing intimidating threats in a calm voice: "oh, you're going down my friend." I started slapping things with the magazine to scare him out of his hiding place and then he took off across the kitchen and toward the door to the apartment. He landed on the wall just above it and I threw the door open. Nevermind that I was wearing only a t-shirt and underwear, the only thing that mattered was luring the fly out.
He was on to my plan and flew back past me and into the kitchen. I slammed the door and ran after him. He headed back toward the front door at top speed as I chased close behind him in my t-shirt and underwear, weilding a magazine and yelling, "get out of here you bastard!" It was rather comical. This time he landed on the door, I opened it, and out he went. I slammed it shut, locked it, peered through the peephole, double locked it, and leaned back against the wall breathing a sigh of relief.
Yesterday there were not one, but two big black flies in my apartment. I am traumatized by flies because at my old apartment where I was afflicted by plagues such as mice and ants, I was also afflicted with the plague of flies. One got in somehow, flew around for a while and was mainly a nuisance. He must have been pregnant though because the next thing you know, there was a million. It was horrible. Imagine sitting in a room and having dozens of big black flies swarming around. And they were in every room. My wonderful and responsive landlord told me to spray some Raid. I couldn't even sleep there because the flies had taken over and he suggested I spray some Raid. My dad came over one night with a fly swatter and seemed to have a little too much fun minimizing their population dramatically. Then he called the landlord and insisted something be done. My landlord deployed a bug bomb which worked but the damage was done to my psyche.
Now when I see a black fly I have disturbing flashbacks. So I noticed two flies on my window screen in my bedroom, on the inside. I slowly reached down and opened my screen about an inch at the bottom and then quickly shut the window. After a while I didn't see the flies so I assumed they had gotten out. I opened the window and shut the screen and went on with my life. A little while later however, there was a fly on the screen again. This time I just shut the window and turned on the air conditioning. But where did fly #2 go? He was flying around my bedroom. I yelled at him and chased him out and shut the bedroom door. Then I was trapped in my room unable to open the window. I felt like crying. Why did it have to be my sworn enemy?
Not willing to let them win, I was determined to conquer them. First I opened my window slightly, opened the screen an inch and then shut the window. Then I started banging on the glass to scare the fly downwards. "Fly down, you're free!" I urged him. Happily enough, it worked and then I was able to open my window again. When I was brave enough to leave my room (door shut behind me) I ventured out to look for the fly. My plan was to chase him into the now empty bedroom and shut the door. Of course, he was nowhere to be found.
Suddenly as I was emptying the dishwasher I heard a sinister buzzing sound behing me. I turned slowly and saw the fly buzzing at the window behind me. I snuck off and grabbed a magazine and then approached slowly while issuing intimidating threats in a calm voice: "oh, you're going down my friend." I started slapping things with the magazine to scare him out of his hiding place and then he took off across the kitchen and toward the door to the apartment. He landed on the wall just above it and I threw the door open. Nevermind that I was wearing only a t-shirt and underwear, the only thing that mattered was luring the fly out.
He was on to my plan and flew back past me and into the kitchen. I slammed the door and ran after him. He headed back toward the front door at top speed as I chased close behind him in my t-shirt and underwear, weilding a magazine and yelling, "get out of here you bastard!" It was rather comical. This time he landed on the door, I opened it, and out he went. I slammed it shut, locked it, peered through the peephole, double locked it, and leaned back against the wall breathing a sigh of relief.
