Coffee Table Declarations
Sunday, February 01, 2004
My review went pretty much as expected. There were many good things said, there were some "constructive" things, and there were some things that surprised and upset me. I think part of the problem is that I do so many things for so many people. My supervisor had asked for a list of people I have worked with the most so she could get their feedback.
The second part of the problem was that, as she told me at the end, she had asked them for both positive and (I say in quotation marks again) "constructive" feedback and for the "constructive" she asked them to give concrete examples. I can understand the reason for this - she didn't want anyone saying anything unjustifiably negative. But let me tell you how it felt to hear. It felt as though all these people had sat and complained about me behind my back and dragged out incidents from the past - things no one told me were an issue at the time, things I thought had gone fine. Suddenly I was hearing this laundry list of "oh and there was this such and such time where you weren't as efficient as you could have been; oh and there was that such and such time where you should've taken more initiative.", etc., etc.
I feel angry and I feel hurt and while I agree with some of the things that were said as being areas that I can work on and grow, I felt that some were a matter of misperception and misunderstanding. You know, there's always that one person at every job who is unfriendly, difficult to get along with, and has a knack for making you feel inadequate no matter how hard you've worked.
The bottom line is, if you have a problem with something I'm doing, tell me right then and there. I am approachable, I am open to suggestion, I am reasonable. There is no reason not to mention it and then use it against me later. I am not a mind reader. How am I supposed to do something differently if I am unaware there is any problem?
Worse, it doesn't sound like there will be much opportunity for me to move up in the company just because we are a relatively small company and there aren't many openings. To my supervisor's credit, she is definately rooting for me and wants very much to see me succeed. She sat and talked with me for three hours, addressing my concerns, explaining the details of my review, and reassuring me ("Please don't feel bad about any of this, I know for a fact that everyone LOVES you.")
Maybe it's a good thing. I have always viewed this job, this company as a stopping point along the way, not a final destination. I know that I need to evalute what I truly want to do and what direction I want to take. Maybe I shouldn't keep trying to fit myself into the wrong shape. After all, I may never be the absolute best corporate person or office worker. This may not be the answer for me. But it is so hard at 28 years old, when friends I graduated with are moving up and developing careers, for me to keep having to start over.
The second part of the problem was that, as she told me at the end, she had asked them for both positive and (I say in quotation marks again) "constructive" feedback and for the "constructive" she asked them to give concrete examples. I can understand the reason for this - she didn't want anyone saying anything unjustifiably negative. But let me tell you how it felt to hear. It felt as though all these people had sat and complained about me behind my back and dragged out incidents from the past - things no one told me were an issue at the time, things I thought had gone fine. Suddenly I was hearing this laundry list of "oh and there was this such and such time where you weren't as efficient as you could have been; oh and there was that such and such time where you should've taken more initiative.", etc., etc.
I feel angry and I feel hurt and while I agree with some of the things that were said as being areas that I can work on and grow, I felt that some were a matter of misperception and misunderstanding. You know, there's always that one person at every job who is unfriendly, difficult to get along with, and has a knack for making you feel inadequate no matter how hard you've worked.
The bottom line is, if you have a problem with something I'm doing, tell me right then and there. I am approachable, I am open to suggestion, I am reasonable. There is no reason not to mention it and then use it against me later. I am not a mind reader. How am I supposed to do something differently if I am unaware there is any problem?
Worse, it doesn't sound like there will be much opportunity for me to move up in the company just because we are a relatively small company and there aren't many openings. To my supervisor's credit, she is definately rooting for me and wants very much to see me succeed. She sat and talked with me for three hours, addressing my concerns, explaining the details of my review, and reassuring me ("Please don't feel bad about any of this, I know for a fact that everyone LOVES you.")
Maybe it's a good thing. I have always viewed this job, this company as a stopping point along the way, not a final destination. I know that I need to evalute what I truly want to do and what direction I want to take. Maybe I shouldn't keep trying to fit myself into the wrong shape. After all, I may never be the absolute best corporate person or office worker. This may not be the answer for me. But it is so hard at 28 years old, when friends I graduated with are moving up and developing careers, for me to keep having to start over.
